On life, and the end of it

(Disclaimer: This blog is typically all about our fun and adventures. But it's also a record of our life events, a place where I can go back and recall something and remember the small details. That said, I wouldn't be doing justice to our family if I didn't record the events of my dad's recent passing. For those who only want fun and the good in life, skip on past this real-world sadness of a post.)

Unfortunately, just a few weeks ago, we had to say goodbye to my dad, otherwise known as "Papa Leo" (or as Lincoln says Papa Yee-O). At just 66 years old, it was far too young to die, and an incredibly sad event. I joined a club I didn't want to be in, losing a parent left me with a profound sadness. Let me back up a bit....

Before we left South Padre Island (see previous post), I could sense my dad wasn't well. I couldn't put my finger on it, but both Ryan and I knew he wasn't his usual self those last couple of days. My parents departed the south just a couple of days after we left and I knew he'd be seeing his own doc in a few days, so I tried to rest easy. One quick trip to the ER en route, and my fears of "something wrong" was confirmed. They didn't get many answers at the ER, and he actually made the comment to my mom that if "I'm going to die, just take me home". He called me that particular evening to tell me the events of the day, and he knew I would be incredibly alarmed (especially because he pretty much checked himself out AMA in an effort to just get home). Needless to say I was very relieved when they made it back to Minnesota and he was seeing his own doctor. A few days later, he would be hospitalized at the local hospital. Several days after that, I looked the attending doctor in the eye and asked if it were him in my shoes, would he transfer his own father to a larger hospital? He confirmed that he would, and just like that we were on our way to Abbott. Before we left, my dad's clinic doctor came to see us off, and was able to put things into perspective, a reality check so to speak: dad was very sick, and he was worried dad wouldn't even make it up to Abbott. He went so far as to tell us to say goodbye before we drove 1.5 hours. Safe to say we all drove well over the speed limit to Abbott.   

The next 12 days we lived on a roller-coaster. There were ups and downs, but mostly we sat vigil around him, waiting for him to wake up. The team of ICU doctors and nurses were top-notch; can't say enough good things about them. They reminded us to take care of ourselves, to be sure we ate and slept and even laughed. And then, with some major 8 year old convincing, Sidney influenced us to allow her in to the ICU to see her beloved Papa. She missed her face-times and texting sessions with him, and just needed to lay eyes on him. And so she did. And it broke my heart into a million pieces to see her brave face just take it all in. As we left, she asked "how come it feels like Papa is still watching me" (this comment is important for a story later...).  I cried even harder telling her the doctor's grim prognosis; her world was shattered.

The day finally came when the doctors told us there wasn't any more they could do, and that if we wanted to bring him home (with support of hospice), they supported that decision and would help make it happen. So plans were set in motion and we had intentions of bringing him home. And then, as dad would do, he changed that plan and gave us the biggest blessing of all. He woke up. Defying all odds, he honestly woke up from the dead (his words, not mine). My mom and I showed up to the hospital that morning, prepared to bring home a very sleeping dad, and were shocked to see him not only awake, but completely alert and asking for food. Of all things, he wanted to eat and drink some water (LOTS of water!). I truly think some people stopped by that day just to see it for themselves. He was even joking around with us, asking what the tube in his nose was for, tube feeding, to which he promptly replied "oh bullshit!". When all the joking had stopped (momentarily), he looked at us and said "I think I came back from the dead". Thinking he was being funny, I gave him a look and he replied "no really, they told me to come to the light". When I told him I was happy he didn't go towards it, he answered "I did!". Those words, coupled with Sidney's feeling that Papa was watching her, makes me think he had one foot in each world during that ICU stay.

We ended up having 5 days with him when he was awake, and joking and seemingly happy. We brought him home where he was able to remain for several days before symptoms put him back in the local hospital. Here they had a wonderful hospice suite (think joined hotel rooms) and he spent his last 33 hours surrounded around the clock by family. As he took his last breaths, we all held his hands and told him how much we loved him. I told him we would be ok, giving him permission to go towards that light again. And then, 2 breaths later, he was gone. Words cannot describe how sad we feel. Eventually I gathered up Lincoln (who was in that adjoining room) and we drove back to my parent's house. Tears streaming down my face, I could barely muster out any words to Lincoln in the back seat when he reached for my hand, and told me the same thing I had just told his Papa "it's ok", but then, he said "and Papa's walking...." and trailed off his sentence.

I have to think that these kiddos of ours, they have another perspective, they sense things far deeper than us adults. And I believe Sidney when she feels that "Papa is watching me", and I believe Lincoln when he explains that "Papa is walking", even though he hadn't see him walk in 3 weeks. My cousin told me several days later, that we will feel his presence again, we just need to be open to it. And I whole-heartedly agree.

Unfortunately with death, comes planning a funeral. Something I really didn't want to experience until I was much older myself. But, we did what we had to and made the arrangements. We spoke to a pastor that would do the service (my dad wasn't much of a religious man) and after our conversation, she picked out a reading. It stemmed from the song Turn Turn Turn by the Birds, so we decided to have that song played as well. All was set, but we still had the task of finding a temporary urn (mom is considering having one built). There is a local shop that sells all sorts of cute clothing, jewelry and home décor, and we hoped we could find something in that store. Get ready for this story..... we walked inside and I stopped in my tracks. I tapped my mom on the shoulder and pointed towards the ceiling, telling her and my brother to listen. Of all songs, a million options for songs, Turn Turn Turn was playing over the speaker. Mom and I started bawling right there and my brother declared we would find the urn in that store. And we did!! It was the most beautiful wooden box, with a Tree of Life carved into the top. It was perfect.

And now we happen to see that symbol all around us in our everyday lives. 

Throughout the next several days, my parents' house held an endless parade of visitors, each bringing food and often a story about what they remember of my dad. Boy did we laugh (and cry) those first few days. I learned a lot about the shinanagans that he got into, but more importantly, how much he touched peoples' lives. We found pictures which sparked stories and memories from 50 years ago to 5 weeks ago. I am forever thankful for all of those memories; etching them into my brain so I never forget them.

We made it through, and it sure was a beautiful service. I cried and cried, thinking I couldn't cry any more, but then did just that. Military funerals bring a deep sadness, but seeing that flag handed over to your very own family, is overpowering.
 I'm so appreciative of all our friends and family who helped us personally with the kids, driving the girls to their activities, watching Lincoln while I spent a few quiet moments with dad, sending their thoughts and prayers, and holding us in their hearts. We learned more about our "village", and are so grateful to have them in our lives. We'll be ok, like Lincoln reminded me, but right now, our hearts remain heavy.
Love you and will forever miss you dad.
Until we see you again...

South Padre Isalnd 2017

Several months ago, my parents showed us pictures of the place they would be staying in this winter during their trip south. It was a pretty fantastic 4 bedroom house across the street from the beach in South Padre Island. Wowzas! They sure lucked out with this fabulous find. We were excited for their adventures.

Fast forward one month: they were not only inviting us down to their place for a vacation, they gave our entire family the trip for Christmas gifts! To say our family was excited doesn't even come close to how everyone felt! We narrowed down dates, and though it wasn't going to coincide with our (ridiculously late) spring break this year, we jumped on the opportunity to spend 6 days in the sun!

My mom and I started coming up with activities and adventures, Ryan mapped out a plan to golf a couple of times (nervous from his recent knee surgery) and of course, we knew we had to spend time daily at the beach!

Last time I brought the kids to SPI was in 2015 and it was C.O.L.D. Not the ideal temps. So when our forecast this time was low 80's, we packed our swim suits and shorts and set off to catch some much needed Vitamin D.

We found all sorts of creatures on the beach: from tiny crabs to small oysters that squirmed when we would open them which only caused me to scream! We collected sea shells and Lincoln tossed shell after shell back into the ocean. Watching him play on the beach was always the most entertaining. The first two times we went, he ran in and out for over an hour, never stopping. He was having the time of his life!

My mom found some touch tanks for us to visit and the girls got brave and held some hermit crabs and touched this "big huge frog" (aka: turtle). Lincoln would get close and then run away and squeal that it was chasing him. It moved faster than we thought and after the girls got a chance to feed him some lettuce, he did actually 'chase' Regan around the small room ;)

We saw beautiful sunrises come out of the ocean from my parents deck. And were lucky enough to see just as beautiful sunsets. The island is all of 3 blocks wide, and the sun rises on one side over the Gulf and sets on the other side over the bay. It's pretty darn incredible to watch.

One of our big adventures was to go horseback riding on the beach. Because the minimum age was 6, we had to leave the men behind with Lincoln. My mom and I braved any fears inside of us and saddled up beside the girls for our 2 hour ride. I'll be honest, we were pretty scared for this. I blame my fear on the fact that I've had patients with serious injuries following horse accidents. And it sure didn't help that my horse was afraid of the tide and would scamper away when water hit her hoofs; and then would head-butt the horses in front of her only to be kicked in retaliation. Let's just say it was NOT a peaceful ride for me!

On the contrary, the girls were in their glory! We lucked out in that their horses were buddies and walked easily side by side the entire time. They giggled at the end, saying how scared they initially were but how  much fun it was. Sidney announced "when we come back next time, we HAVE to do this again!".... 

...I responded that Ryan would be taking them next time :)

While us girls were riding along the beach, Lincoln was able to take a nice pony ride in the pen and play/feed some barn animals. He loved his horse and does not want you to tell him it was a pony...."no!, my big huge horse!". Ok Lincoln. He got to ride around until his horse was tired and decided it was done.

It's almost a requirement to stop at the iconic sign entering the island and take a picture. To get to the island, you cross a 3 mile bridge and this sign is the first thing you see.

While we were there, I climbed up on top with the kids to take a picture of the sun setting over the bay side. Boy are there some pretty sights!

As a tourist destination, there are stores upon stores with all sorts of beach paraphernalia including clothing, swim suits, toys and boogie boards. Most stores have normal doors to enter, but this one caught Lincoln's attention and he wouldn't quit talking about it until we stopped one evening. He insisted it was going to be a shark ride, despite our pleas to inform him otherwise. At least he wasn't disappointed when he realized it was just an entrance to another store! He loved all of the teeth and being inside the shark!

Sidney saw a sign for sushi somewhere along our adventure and just had to try sushi one night. So we picked up some California rolls and brought them home. Her and Regan sat there, with fear and excitement written all over their faces, just trying to muster up the courage to try it. Eventually they took a tiny bite and announced they were finished and never planned to eat it again. But at least they tried!

Beaches make for some fun backdrops and both my mom and I brought our cameras to the beach almost every time so we could take more pictures. Sorry for the beach overload!....

The short walk from grandma/papa's house to the beach included this trail from the sidewalk onto the sand. Most days when we got to this point, Lincoln (and the girls too!) would take off running not looking back feeling so eager to start their fun!

I honestly think that Regan could have spent all day everyday playing in the water. She learned to body surf, which prompted us to buy a boogie board and then she learned to boogie board! I'm thankful that she would take a break every once in a while to play with Lincoln in the tide.

We dug holes and built sand castles on the shore. The only thing I wouldn't do is bring snacks. Those seagulls are relentless and would practically sit on your shoulder if you were eating. Multiple times I could be found dodging birds, hiding behind whoever was closest to me; those things give me the willies!!

On our final night, we grabbed dinner outside at Louie's and as we wrapped up our meal, a staff grabbed the kiddos and led them, along with a plate of scrapes, to the railing offering them to feed the catfish in the bay. We thought maybe one or two catfish....

boy were we wrong!! There had to be hundreds of them-actually a little gross!

We caught Lincoln lounging one morning on the deck. No one is really sure what he was doing out there, a truck in each hand, talking to the sky and making sure we left him alone. I snuck this picture of him through the window as he basked in the sun.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for bringing us down to your winter getaway!! We had the best time and none of us wanted to leave!

Happy Birthday Regan

With her birthday on a weeknight, we didn't get to do much celebrating for Regan's recent big day. But we did try our hardest to make our oldest feel special when she turned 11 earlier this month. She has a good taste in food and picked Cheesecake Factory for dinner and then we came home, took a few pictures (photo bombed by Lincoln) and face timed with Grandma Jan in Texas as Regan opened gifts. I think it's safe to say that she was pleased as punch with her birthday celebration and happy as ever to be 11!

 

 

Although she can be dramatic and emotional, we love her to pieces. She (can be) incredibly patient with children, has a heart of gold for animals and her deep belly laughs are simply THE best!

Happy 11th Birthday Regan!

Allergy kid

Ever see the movie Gremlins? You know, the movie where the cute little cuddly critter turns into a monster?! Sometimes living with a child with food allergies makes me think of that movie. We're constantly thinking "don't feed him" (without checking ingredients)!

  

We spend our days reading labels, scouring the internet for a better understanding of terms, and educating people in our circle. I am a member of several facebook groups that offer support, receipes and even suggestions for dining out. We've learned what foods have hidden dairy, I even have screen shots like this on my phone for quick reminders:

I know the FDA rules for labels, and that we have to be cautious because it's not required to label for cross contamination, shared lines or "may contain" but could prove just as deadly to consume such a food. And then there's this....

 We shop around the perimeter of the store more than we ever have in our entire lives. Almost all of what we eat is made from scratch, I can't tell you the last time I prepared a boxed meal. Yes, it's better for all of us. But darn it, sometimes a box is just more convenient. Not to mentuon I'm frequently making him his own modified version of our meal. 

It pains me that I have to be mindful of cross contamination, not just in a restaurant, but also in our own home. Did I put that spoon into our pot of food, or his pot of food? I've had to throw out an entire pan of food because of this error. We joke when I find reciepes titled "One pan...." because inevitably it's always at least 2 if not more.

We've debated buying this shirt for Lincoln to take some stress out of gatherings.

Thankfully our friends are amazing at asking permission, and Lincoln is pretty darn good at asking an adult if he can have something, rather than just grabbing. Just last weekend a dear friend asked if he could give Lincoln "cream" soda, fearing it may have milk. I love that our friends take things as serious as they should be. But if an adult places a food near him, he is going to assume it's ok to eat, and it has given us some scares of accidental ingestion.

The girls are on just as much of a high alert. The other morning Regan called to  me "I think Lincoln has hives".....not how I wanted to start my morning. They check labels, they always say "go ask mom" but more importantly, they keep an eye on him to be sure he's only eating something we approve.

It's getting a little easier but will never be easy. Fingers crossed that he grows out of these allergies, but in the mean time, we won't be letting our guard down.

Happy Birthday Party Day Regan!

February is a month that can sneak up on us and be over in the blink of an eye. So in anticipation of a fairly busy month, we opted to sneak in Regan's birthday the first weekend. We sandwiched in a movie and a slumber party between a visit from my BFF and a super bowl party ("go big or go home" is my new mantra). So we invited a few of her close friends (she could have picked any of her 100 friends so it was super hard when we limited her to only 3!) and had pizza, ice cream cake and loaded up to see A Dog's Purpose at the theater. I cried, so did some of them, but we also laughed and got that 'all good' feeling at the end.

I was sad that I limited her to 3 friends, but super happy at the same time. Seems like 5th grade was the right time to have her first slumber party, and with keeping the numbers low, we kept any drama totally at bay. These girls are lovely, kids that I have known since they were 5, and I love each of them dearly.

They slept (fairly) well and were up around 7:30am ready for more food and girl time. I love that they included Lincoln and Sidney and didn't bat an eye at playing Hide 'n Seek with them for an hour :) Sweetness won my heart as he picked his favorite girl and followed close behind all day and night.

Although her actual birthday isn't for another several days, we got a good start on celebrating and have a full month ahead of us!